life with an ostomy. candid, not sugar-coated. empowered, not embarrassed.

Nov. 5, 2006

Despite all my failings

My birthday is over. My months (months!?) of neglect of this blog are over, but maybe just temporarily. But will my tendency to beat myself up ever be over?

My flange is about three days overdue for a changing... no wait, probably more. Mid-week at school I stopped in at the school's clinic and got some medical tape to secure the top of the flange which had peeled off dangerous close the edge of disaster. It's still like that, all taped up. Although 10 minutes ago I added another layer of tape, hoping to delay changing my flange til tomorrow - or could I squeeze another day out of it?

So my latest kick is letting go. It's advice from my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/best friend/confidant/pain-in-ass-relationship/I-might-apply-as-many-labels-to-this-as-I-can-since-none-of-them-seem-to-fit-so-maybe-multiple-labels-will-better-define-it.

Of my need to be in control, of my need to judge, of my need to attack myself, second-guess myself, sabotage my success, exhaust my self-esteem by testing it beyond its limits. letting go of my tension, my fear, my need for self-perfection.

so, with that, I am ending this very imperfect blog entry.