Confused?

well, that last post, when I read it over, did sound a bit confusing. I think I was letting some of my insecurities get the better of me... the museum was not in fact cutting me out of the project. There is value in what I'm doing - yes, on my own terms, but yes, other people believe in the potential of the project as well, which is validating. I have to trust that other people can trust me to do good work! But I do need to keep my values close at hand when it comes to editorial control of this project (ie - i won't censor negative things people have to say about the neighbouhood in favour of a positive-at-all-costs piece of bullshit AND i will respect the dignity of all people i come into contact with in the neighbourhood).

Okay, well there is something else i have been a bit confused about. I was writing and rewriting an email to my partner, and erased the whole damn thing because I wasn't making sense - it was contradictory. and so I am turning to this blog as a space for maybe working it all out.

Here is the meat:

- my life is beginning to take root, and I am feebly gaining networks, reputation, a portfolio, and a better, more confident sense of self in my work

- i am also gaining relative grounding on the homefront, with gardening, becoming a bit more rooted in my neighbourhood, bridging the gap more and more successfully between the city i left and the home I am now creating, fixing up our apartment piece by piece, loving my time here, feeling safe

- i am getting married and reading this annoying book called "the meaning of wife" - granted i haven't gotten to the chapter where the author seeks to resolve some of the major predicaments that women in marriages find themselves in - but i am sick of reading about stats and pop culture indications that married life leads to frustration for married women, whether they decide to be be careerists or to work in the home.

- my fiancé, now out of the country, is tossing around ideas for what to do with his future, and has been advised - by his supervisor - that post-docs are the way to go if you really want to dig your heels further into your research and be secure. (The email I was writing and rewriting was relating to this.)

Aha! Now I see the tension... now I see why I was feeling confused as I was writing to my partner.... I have a way of ignoring all my own needs, or pretending my projects aren't important. I was writing him telling him that I wanted him to make decisions about his future based on his own instincts and interests, and that I will support him, and don't want him to feel pressure to provide for our family - we will figure it out together, etc, etc. But, frankly... what I have just realized is that:

- yes, i am open to moving again if that's what is in his future
- no, i would not move again if it was me leading the way
- yes, i want to build my own life - a delicate balance of home and community and work and art
- yes, i would have to start from scratch again if we were to move again
- yes, if we did move again, i would expect my partner to provide for our family... I mean, more of the onus would have to be on him, because he is the one who is leading the way, and what about me? what about me?

Laterally thinking... there doesn't *have* to be this tension. We have... feebly... talked before about projects together. We haven't really successfully worked on a big project together. well, other than the immense project of a relationship... a home, routines, roadtrips, chores, barbeques, bits and pieces of art and music together... very small bits and pieces. We have dreamed of dreaming up a dream before.... like wouldn't it be a good idea if we embarked on a big project together? I mean, having a family is a big project... but I mean being partners in the creation of something that includes both of our interests (which overlap a lot) and aptitudes (which do not overlap that much), and which creates something that was not there before. Hmmm... what will this be, what will this be?

And, is this a good idea?

I don't know. I am not ready to commit to the idea of creating a common project together, but I do think it is a good option for us... especially if we plan to be more nomadic in our lives. Something so that I have continuity, so that I am not some second-ranked follower. I'm better than that, I deserve to think of myself in higher regards. I think as the next two years shake out, we may have a better idea of our futures together. So for now, I continue to dig my heels in here, and now I know what I am going to say to my partner.